Yes, I have to start the count all over again. I broke down and went to Parx http://www.parxcasino.com/ on Thursday. I did not actually plan on going there I really wanted to go to ACMoore http://www.acmoore.com/ down the street from the casino. I knew they were having a great sale and since I have been selling my bracelets in my Etsy store http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 and on my eBay site, which can be accessed by following my other blog at http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I needed to create a few more bracelets. I wanted to see if I could find some different beads. I also knew that if I even went close to the casino I would go. I had five dollars from them. I told myself I would not take any money out of the bank but, a gambler knows that is impossible. We are always chasing that big win. For anyone who wants to can follow this link to Gambler's Anonymous http://www.gamblersanonymous.org I went to the bank once and lost that! Surprise! Surprise! So at that point I figured as I always do when more money was needed. I went to the bank again and was holding the money close at hand and swore to myself I would not loose it all. I played all my favorite machines and finally hit one for one hundred dollars, not what I lost but at least part of it. I was trying to make it out the door when one of the machines I like opened up and I know they usually hit for something. I slid a twenty dollar bill into the machine, hit a little enough to keep playing. I hit a bonus or two but they did not pay off, only a few coins. Disappointing to say the least. I then decided when the twenty dollars was gone I was going to leave. I hoped I could keep that promise to myself however I also know how hard it is to walk out the door with money when I was so far in the hole. I sat there and kept hitting enough to play with. (Gambling problem follow the link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
This is a bank of four machines all the same type and I have played there before and 'we' the others at the bank always are wishing each other along. It is like being with some friends without having to answer to anyone. We are all after the same thing. To hit the jackpot. We, as new found friends, for the time we are playing, are all rooting for each other. Every time one of us hits the almost impossible three owls which signify the bonus, we wait for the exciting bubbles, coins, or whatever you want to call the little circles that flow up the screen from the bottom to 'say' there is a big payoff in the machine.
To anyone who does not gamble or play the machines, the circles which I call bubbles, flow from the bottom of the screen as the 'music' plays alerts the player to the fact the hit was a good one. When the music is playing and the bubbles are flowing upward we are unable to hit the button and make it go on. The machine is in that mode for a few minutes so anyone walking around can hear and be enticed to risk their money in the hopes they will 'hit' a jackpot. (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
The bonus, which all of us want to hit, is free spins with a multiplier. The object is to hit the highest pay-out with the multiplier. My new found friends and I would get excited every time someone hit the bonus. As each of us landed on the owls we held our breath as the spins spinned out to see if it landed on the winning combination. As 'luck' has it each of us would land on the bonus and win only a few coins, disappointing! Then my new 'friend' one seat away hit the exciting combo of five owls. Higher payout but no more spins. With the spins she only added two hundred coins to her credit bank, which would be great if the machine was not a simple penny machine making the win two dollars. After all of us hit bonus after bonus paying out only four hundred coins or less we started a contest to see who could hit a bonus with the lowest amount of credits. Well, I was winning that game by far, the highest payout of the bonus I won was less than one hundred-fifty credits. I was feeling a little beat and just like a real looser. I was asking for just two hundred dollars. Just give me two hundred dollars and I was out of there. Of course I bargained with the gambling gods over and over again. I just wanted the money I had lost. Once I hit the two hundred dollars I promised I would be out of there immediately. (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I was, in my mind totally serious! I would leave. I kept saying "let me hit the money" I promise I will just get up and walk out the door! I said I would cash the ticket and walk right out the door! A promise both I and the gambling gods knew to probably be untrue for different reasons. One reason is I never, never cash in a ticket and walk out the door, because if the amount is high and I am alone and do not want to be followed. People are desperate and as I am always alone and usually defenseless. As a safety precaution I cash the ticket and walk around some before I walk out the door. The other reason the gambling gods and I both knew I would not leave is because it is almost impossible once money is won the true gambler has to play more on the off chance to hit more. To come home with extra money? But I kept asking the powers to be for the break even money. (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
Then IT happen! I gave up and started to double the cost of the spin, the strategy of that is to either loose faster or win bigger. I had doubled the spin cost and finally hit the elusive four not three as needed, but four which makes the base win higher, rolled up on the screen. I hit the button to start the bonus round of fifteen spins and the first spin I watched in amazement as the winning combination came up. I looked at the amount of the win and saw three hundred dollars come up. I was excited and knew I had won my money back and some. I actually had won the gambling money I lost plus what I spent at the craft store. I was really happy. Did I leave? Of course not! (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I stayed at that machine playing and had that ticket I cashed out in my hand as I put in some of the money I still had when I sat at the machine. The machine was finished and I really knew it but I had to play some more. After the other money was gone I went to cash out the three hundred dollar ticket and knew I would walk around for a few more minutes. I played a few more machines I usually liked to play, I lost almost one hundred dollars of the winnings and was almost angry with my self when I got the urge to go to another machine I really like.
Someone was playing it so I sat next to it and played for a few minutes. The person left and I jumped in their seat. Finally I had my credits up to sixty dollars and the gambling gods won, I cashed the ticket in and went to the car. When I got home I counted the money and came home with the original two hundred dollars I took out of the bank plus another eighty. I was happy with the money, even happier I came home with it, and at the same time really upset I gave in to the demon of the gambling mecca.
(Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
On the way home I was thinking my time had to start all over again, thirty days down the drain. Then I reminded myself of the positive of not going for thirty days and I could do it again. I also patted myself on the back for coming home with money and not loosing it before I left. So now all I can do is start the count all over again... I can and will say all the time, Do Not Start to gamble if there is the slightest bit of addictive personality in you. (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I do plan on going to Atlantic City on Christmas eve after I get off work. I know it will kill the time again but I right now I want to go. I may change my mind and just stay home with my cats. I used to like to go on New Year's Eve and be there when the clock strikes midnight, just because. The saying about New Year's eve, 'what you are doing when the clock strikes midnight is what you will be doing all year' intrigues me. Except of all the years I have been there I am loosing on a machine and true to form I usually loose all year. One year I would love to be winning when the clock strikes midnight.
(Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
We will see if I actually go or I choose to stay home and win another way.... Stay tuned...................
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Tomorrow makes 30 days
I just have to get through tonight and it will be 30 days, thirty days without going to the casino. Some days are harder than others, Saturday was pretty bad. Saturdays there is nothing on TV and to go shopping it is too crowded with the holiday rush out there. I work with the public all week and really don't want to go out in it on my day off. I prefer week days off because everyone else is working and everything is not so crowded.
I made it through Saturday, YEAH!!! It really was pretty easy, and every day gets easier for me. I have alot more time not spending my entire day in the casino. Even when I win I still am sad about the time I spent there. I could do so much more than sit at the slot machine. Ironically, as much as I once enjoyed going and playing the slots, I now resent the time I spent there. Looking back over the past I realize how much it has destroyed everything important in my life. So much so that it became a cycle. An unhealthy one but nevertheless a cycle. I would go there and loose, which made me rationalize going again was to win back the money I lost. The cycle was over and over again every week.
Maybe just maybe I have broken the cycle in me which makes me keep going. I know I can not go there at all. Rationally I know there is a problem, but the wish full thinker in me thinks I will be lucky and win all I have lost back.
How do I win back all the relationships I have destroyed in the process? How do I win back all the lost years? I do not! All I can do is go forward and build again. I hope beyond hope I will be able to keep up this cycle of not going. I can say I enjoy coming home and writing in these blogs. I also have bracelets on eBay at http://www.ebay.com/sch/spovio/m.html?item=121033434270&ssPageName=STRK%3AMESELX%3AIT&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562 and at Etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 They keep me busy and actually give me something to do. If I am really lucky I sell a few and have extra money. So 'surf' on over to the two sites and shop a little, purchase something or just look around and leave comments on this blog about the sites.
Have a lucky day and understand gambling is not the answer to anything. Just like any addiction there is no positive end to any of it.
I made it through Saturday, YEAH!!! It really was pretty easy, and every day gets easier for me. I have alot more time not spending my entire day in the casino. Even when I win I still am sad about the time I spent there. I could do so much more than sit at the slot machine. Ironically, as much as I once enjoyed going and playing the slots, I now resent the time I spent there. Looking back over the past I realize how much it has destroyed everything important in my life. So much so that it became a cycle. An unhealthy one but nevertheless a cycle. I would go there and loose, which made me rationalize going again was to win back the money I lost. The cycle was over and over again every week.
Maybe just maybe I have broken the cycle in me which makes me keep going. I know I can not go there at all. Rationally I know there is a problem, but the wish full thinker in me thinks I will be lucky and win all I have lost back.
How do I win back all the relationships I have destroyed in the process? How do I win back all the lost years? I do not! All I can do is go forward and build again. I hope beyond hope I will be able to keep up this cycle of not going. I can say I enjoy coming home and writing in these blogs. I also have bracelets on eBay at http://www.ebay.com/sch/spovio/m.html?item=121033434270&ssPageName=STRK%3AMESELX%3AIT&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562 and at Etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 They keep me busy and actually give me something to do. If I am really lucky I sell a few and have extra money. So 'surf' on over to the two sites and shop a little, purchase something or just look around and leave comments on this blog about the sites.
Have a lucky day and understand gambling is not the answer to anything. Just like any addiction there is no positive end to any of it.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
24 Days
Yeah!!!
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
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