Gamble on.............

Hi All!  It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. Yes I am still gambling, sorry to say.  I have had ups and downs.  Right now I am in the down side, and on vacation from my everyday job.  Pretty boring, one would think.  I actually have been working my line of jewelry on http://www.ebay.com/itm/121104594034
which will take you to one of the necklaces I have listed. Once there look under my name and there is a link to "seller's other items" follow that and it will show all the pieces I have for sale. Feel free to purchase any. Then on my Etsy site https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 I have eighty items listed for sale. Etsy allows payment by visa and master card which makes it easier to purchase.  Ebay needs paypal.
I also have another blog which http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com there are pictures and the links under take you to the sites. 
Right now I need the sales so feel free to purchase any of the items. This down side to the gambling has really hurt this time. Of course I have stories.  I was desperate and right now have nothing to loose. I worked at my real job on Tuesday and do not usually work on Tuesdays.  It is the day I hate working out of the entire week, I know weird but for my entire working life I have always been off on Tuesdays. So it always feels weird even now. 
To go on with the story:  I went to the casino and with nothing to loose I figured I could not get any worse than I was right then.  I was there for a few hours and kept loosing and loosing.  Of course I wrote checks to the casino so not only was I overdrawn at the bank from the last trip now I had added more which would cost me thirty-five dollars each when they hit the bank.  Thank God for overdraft protection! I cashed one more and said to the cashier when I got the money, 'this is it, I am leaving after this' and I had planned on it. It was getting late and I had to go to work early the next morning. 
I have certian machines which I really like and they are either hitting or they are not, usually not. Think I would know the 'usually not' is the statement there.  But, no I think I can tempt fate, always with a gambling mind, think I am going to be different and it will hit for me.  Yeah Right!!
There is this bank of machines they had just switched and two of my favorite machines are there.  I figured what the heck! and sit at one, not wanting to leave because reality will set in and I will have to face how much I lost in the two visits.  Sitting there hitting the button playing the minimum amount allowed thinking about how I was going to come up with the money to cover all the checks I wrote and the overdraft charges.  I was getting tired and really upset, scared, and all the feelings going along with desperate.  I decided to up the bet to two credits a spin.  Still not feeling very lucky I just kept hitting the button and wishing, lost in my own thoughts.  I think when I get into that zone the building around me could fall down and I would not know, almost like a trance of the machines.  Sitting there looking at the machine with my legs up pressing up against the machine. For some reason I like my legs up and rest my arm on my knee while I hit the spin button.  Then it happen, the three igloos, which signify a bonus, come up. I got ten free spins.  I sat there watching and nothing to speak of on spins one to eight, then on spin nine I was watching and an owl came on the first reel, the four wilds, another owl, then the four wilds, and as I watched in disbelief the last reel, almost like in slow motion, the last owl dropped into place.  Yeah!!  I had one over six hundred dollars in that one spin.  All my money from both days plus alot more.  In one spin I won over six hundred!  And I wonder why I gamble.......I wonder why anyone gambles.  The losses are so high but the chance of the gains are just as high.  Of course I cashed the ticket in.  Always the safety conscious person I cashed the ticket and went into the belly of the casino again.  I always walk around and play some other machines before I walk out with any large win.  I am usually alone and do not like to go into the dark parking lot right after I cash a big ticket.  Never know how desperate someone is and what they are driven to do.  So I play it safe and walk around for awhile.  I play a little and wait before I head to the door.
I am not sure if it is the thrill of the spin or the stress of the games.  Is it the win or just the symbols lining up on the pay line?  Yes the money won is exciting and thrilling specially after loosing and loosing for so long.  But to the true gambler is it the money or the lining up of the symbols?
I will leave everyone with that thought.
Is it really the money?  Or is it really the winning symbols coming up on the machine?  I really do not know. Maybe it is the thought of beating the machine?
Please visit my other sites and help this poor gambler by purchasing some of my jewelry.  Feel free to purchase alot and keep me busy so I stay out of the casino. 

Back on the non-gambling trend

I am back!   It has been awhile I know.  I have started the count again. I am on day 6, not very long but it is a great start.  Tomorrow will be one week, and I know I will not go there since I have a meeting all day and have to work early on Wednesday morning.  I am not making any promises about the weekend.  I have four days off in a row and unless I sell some of my bracelets so I can make more I will probably get antsy.  That is when I get into trouble.  I sit and think about all the money I need and knowing how fast I can make it at the casino it is difficult to stay home.
I have to remember the last time I went and it cost me way too much in time, money and self respect.  I was an idiot and I knew it as I was doing it.  I kept swearing that I was going to win so I kept going and getting more money.  I was so sure I was going to win it all back, doesn't everyone?  Don't we always think we will win it back?  Just one more spin, just one more bonus! 
I know I am not the only one to think they will win it all back.  The casino is full of people who think they are going to hit it big, win it all back never do we think we will leave a loser.  But more people leave a loser than a winner.
Every time I go over to Parx I look at that great big horses head they put up this year,and I wonder how much of it I paid for.  We all know they can't build additions or larger casinos without the people who loose.  Funny how I am very frugal about everything in my life except there.  I show at Goodwill and Produce Junction to save.  I do not buy anything not on sale.  But I will sit and put money into those one-arm-bandits.   Why?  Is it the entertainment I am paying for?  The chance of the big win?  Parx really does not offer the opportunity to win that big, the only advantage they have is it is only a twenty minute drive as with going to the 'big' casino's in Atlantic City.  For me to drive to AC it is an hour and a half even when I make great time.  I like Atlantic City much better.  There are better options for machines and the comps are much better.  But oh that drive home is very long and I always have trouble staying awake on the drive home. 
So maybe I will just stay home until I can fly to Las Vegas to the really big and best casinos?
I can really have more fun. 
Until next time  Gamble smartly......

Back again!  I still have not started another casino-free period.  This last week I went twice.  Yeah I know the worse things in my life are tied to the casino!  I wish I could somehow make enough money so that I could go there and not worry about loosing one or two hundred dollars.  Of course I will work for it but I am not sure how to make the extra income for it.  Right now I make bracelets and sell them on eBay at http://www.ebay.com/itm/121045750991 and on the
my Etsy   http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012  I really enjoy making them but now I have so many waiting to be sold it almost seems pointless to make anymore.  I have to figure another way to market them to a larger audience so there is more exposure.
 If I could sell four a day at eight dollars each I could generate over two hundred dollars a week. 
there is my gambling money.  Oh well all in due time.
My story for today is:
I went to the casino and had thirty dollars and nothing else.  Figured the longest I would be there was two hours at the most.  BUT no!!!  I guess it was a good thing I actually hit on the first machine.  It is an 'artic' looking machine, it uses igloos for the bonus rounds and of course you have to land on three of them to start the bonus.  There is also the Eskimo who pays the most.  The polar bear the second highest pay out.  Then there are other pictures like the wolf, the penguin and the ever present kings, queens, jacks, tens, and nines.  I think they are on all machines.  In addition to the symbols there are the wild card symbol.  Well the first high pay I landed on was the polar bears with two wilds, made the payout to be four times the bears. From there it just kept landing on the symbols I finally cashed out the machine at four hundred.  I kept three in hundred dollar bills and went to another of my favorite machines.  All the way on the other side of the casino.  Actually I was on my way to the bathroom and stopped at the open machine it is never available.  I never made it to the bathroom until much later it was on a winning streak also.  All told I walked away with over nine hundred dollars, not bad starting with thirty. 
that is what has started the trend again.  Right now I have talked myself out of going all day.  I am really tired and have so much stuff to do here I just wanted to stay home and pitter.  Hang out with my cats and pretend I am a cat today.  It has been fun and relaxing.  No people around.  No phone calls.  Just me and the cats.
I am trying to balance my urge to go to the casino with my need to stay home.  When I go to the casino everyone is there for the same reason--The Dream--- We all have a common goal in mind to win by any way possible.  I have tried to judge faces of the people leaving when I go in to see if they are sad or happy to see how the machines are paying now.  I have noticed on my worst days of loosing the cash machines are full all day so it must be a bad day for anyone to hit a winning combination on any machine.  Not that that helps my bank account, just my thought process.
Until next time enjoy those machines.....

24 Days

Yeah!!!
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino.  Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years.  How am I doing it?  Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy. 
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also.  Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch.  Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me.  Funny but I really do not mind.  I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs.  Follow the links to see it:  suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com  I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night.  I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there.  My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012  All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions.  Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit.  I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken.  I think any habit is able to be changed. 
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried.  For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd.  I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to.  When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home.  Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself!  I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not.  Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do.  There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak.  I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that.  I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have.  Everything is bigger! Brighter! 
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself.  Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit.  I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars.  I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself.  I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost!  How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for.  All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
 And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts.  Consciously pull into my mind the bad times.  Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat.  Look at the awful times and think about how that felt.  Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing!  HA but that is much cheaper!  I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish.  I will stay home and create new and better bracelets. 
I can do this!  I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run.  Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday. 
That is all for now.  Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........

Through the Holiday

Hello All:
I made it through Thanksgiving day without going to the casino! Yeah! Actually YEAH!!!
I gave myself the goal to not go to the casino on Thanksgiving day just because that is what I always do.  Yes, last year and the year before my Mom was still here and we went because it was the holiday and that was the excuse we used.  We always found an excuse to go.  Funny now I find excuses not to go.  Now I will say to myself, just stay home from there today and tomorrow will take care of itself.  I play facebook at www.facebook.com   which helped.  Actually it was much better since I could sit in my pj's and play.
Did not feel as if I lost money I do not have.  Almost as bad as loosing the money, is the time I spend there.  I cannot go for an hour or two I always say that is what I am going to do but it always ends up being hours and all the wasted time there really makes me feel like crap.  To help me stay away now I buy myself a small "present." Last time I bought two pictures for the wall.  That helps.  I also walk through where I work and look at all the stuff I would like to buy and think if I just stay away for one day I can get the things I really want and have something to show for it.  Sounds good and it works.  The greatest part is work is crazy with the holidays here and there is not really enough time to spend hours and hours there.
I have struggled with gambling ever since I won the first time and also lost really big the first time. I have been chasing the money for years now.  Once you win alot of money, you know it is possible and then continue to chase it until one day you are flat broke and have done things you cannot even admit to yourself.  I have lost everything and earned it back so many times it is really hard to look myself in the mirror and think about it.   Gambling took over just as any drug can.  Doesn't matter what you become addicted to, the addiction takes over and I for one find it hard to escape from.  We end up defining ourselves with the addiction and labeling ourselves by it.  As with any addiction, eating, smoking, drugs, alcohol, shopping, or gambling we inside our own heads define ourselves as a the addiction.  The little tricks our psychological selves say are "I am a smoker", "I am a drug addict" "I am a shopper" or "I am a gambler" and then the idea becomes a fact!
Now I say to myself "I am a writer"  " I write blogs for money" " I am wealthy" I have learned so much in the past year.  I now deep down in my soul understand the law of attraction. But that is for later.  This blog is for anyone who does not understand how we make our own reality. 
I am writing about the tricks and steps I use every day to stay away and not feel the utter disgust in myself for spending money I do not have.
So for anyone trying to stay away these little tricks work.  Really they do.  I have to say if I had the money I would go all the time, but I do not and I have to stay away.  It actually feels really good to be able to pay the bills and have no outstanding checks or withdraws on my statement from there.  For all the people attempting to stop the madness my few tips on the road to the end come in the form of baby steps.  First thing I did was tell myself I would not have any overdrafts in my checking account, no matter what, I would make sure the money was there and not pay the thirty-five dollars they charge for overdrawn checks.  I figured I would save that way. It worked!  I made it a specific goal one week at a time. Of course I was really broke some weeks, and I timed the check to make sure it would not hit the bank until the money was there which required some fast thinking on my part.  Some weeks I held my breath until Friday, but I accomplished it.  And for anyone who has floated checks that in itself can be so energy draining, both physically and emotionally.  I felt as I had won a war when I made it through the first week of no overdrafts. And I am pleased to say I have not had one since.  I use the thirty-five dollars to have lunch a couple times a week at work.  Better for me all the way around. I feel better physically because I eat better and psychologically because I do not beat myself up for seven days.
After I accomplished that goal, my next goal was to not have any withdrawn or checks at all for one bank statement.  That was the really hard one.  One statement is one month. The are four weeks!  That is a long time to make a goal for, so I broke it down into weeks again.  If there were no withdraws at the casino or I did not write any checks for one week I would reward myself again.  Buy something which I saw and wanted. I could always take it back and get my money back unlike the casino once it was gone it was gone.  I can say that goal took longer than I thought possible.  There are alot of days in week!  We think it is only seven but when you are battling or even waiting for something seven days is an eternity to get through.  The only thing which helped was I was working different hours than usual, and the TV helped.  Some of my favorite shows are back on gave me something to do at night.  I was selling my bracelets on ebay which by the way was another way for me to want to come home from work for.
 I had to see if the bracelets I believed would help people emotionally deal with cancer were selling.  The links are: Breast Cancer www.ebay.com/itm/121024572481 ,  and another one www.ebay.com/itm/121020455808 .Then I have one for colon cancer, which is how my mom died, www.ebay.com/itm/121024571906 , and many more.  I wear one of the bracelets I made everyday to remind myself how wonderful I am without gambling it is green and purple cat's eyes also available on eBay at www.ebay.com/itm/121024565471 , I love it and it reminds me of what I can do with all the time I spent gambling.
Just some of my little tricks which work for me.  Everyone has to find their own tricks to help themselves.
As I accomplished the goal of no casino withdraws or checks I felt better about myself and started to define myself differently.  I am and always be a gambler, I just choose different and more productive gambling.  Like eBay and selling which I might say is a gamble, like trying to make money from blogging which is just a different gamble.  Everyday is a gamble.  So the moral here is you really do not need to go to the casino, any casino.  The redefining of yourself to yourself is the key to breaking the habit.  And going to the casino is the habit.  I also will say to myself daily what is most important to me?  The casino and the day spent there or a day spent laying on my couch with my cats?  I have reestablished my priorities to me and now feel much better about myself and am happier not trying to chase the money I have lost, it is gone and all I can do is go on from here.  I have 'slipped' now and again, but I just tell myself, it is ok I just have to minimize the losses and go on from this point.  I do have to say these little baby steps are working for me.  I did not go on Thanksgiving. I stayed home and did nothing.  My cats and I watched the shows I DVR'd which I would not have been able to do if I was at the casino all day.  I know it would have been all day, because I can't go for an hour or two, I, as with anyone who goes to the casino has to stay until they are broke or they have won so much they could not possibly loose it.
There is help and it comes in very small doses and small affirmations which turn into big ones and suddenly you are where you never thought you would be.  Not sitting in the casino for hours at a time wasting the day, yeah you may still waste the day but you did not waste the money too.
To everyone trying to redefine themselves start small.  Remember baby steps! Accomplish one goal at a time and do not overwhelm yourself at first. These steps really do work.
While adding the links from my eBay to the above I sold something small but still a small message from the universe that tells me I am on the right track.  I am doing what I am supposed to do, when I am supposed to be doing it.  For anyone who needs a little guidance I can be reached by email at suep2004@comcast.net.  For anyone who has a story of success it can be left in the comments section of this blog, it just might help someone else.  Please no negativity.  I am only concentrating on the positivity of the solutions.

Hi
It has been almost a month since I have written here, it has been a long depressing month.  I have learned in the last trip to the 'big' casino they always win... We may gain a few dollars but, in the end the casino business always wins.  I think the only way to really win is to own one.  I have thought about working in one.  I figure I could get the thrill of the casino and actually make money there.  And the best thing is I would not be able to gamble.  Yeah!!!  
I still say when I hit the big lottery I will rent a penthouse in Atlantic City right on the beach above a casino. I would be able to ride the elevator down to the casino floor.  I will be able to gamble my heart out since I hit the 'big' one and now have plenty of money to do anything I want.  Maybe rent an apartment in Las Vegas also. My favorite is the City Center complex.  It is right on the strip and next to the hotel my sister always stays at when she visits.  THAT would be fun.
When I hit the 'big' one, I will do volunteer work with my time and continue to make my bracelets which are available on eBay. My other blog has all the links to them, find them at suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com/ 
Maybe if anyone reading this hits it big would go there and buy a couple to help me along.  I enjoy making them and they help to finance my gambling habit. 
So the last trip cost me alot of money which I do not have and it scared me to really stop until I hit the 'big' one.  A long time ago I watched a movie 'Let it Roll" which was about a man who played the ponies. He went to the race track and it followed his day while he lost and while he won.  Anyone who gambles can relate to it.  The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows.  Every time I loose alot of money I always wonder why I do it to myself. Lately even if I break even I get angry because I wasted my time there for a good part of the day which I could have been doing something else.  Like cleaning or just relaxing.
Now I am trying that relaxing thing.  Laying on the couch. Or writing blogs. Anything to occupy my time and make extra money.  But I know I will go back.
My hope is the times become less and less, the losses become less and less, and the wins bigger and bigger.
Then I hope I can leave with the winning money, that is the hardest.  I do believe it is not the winning that gets people hooked, it is the losing.  Once anyone looses they are constantly chasing the money down trying to get it back.  Which any gambler knows is absolutely impossible.
Until next time. Gamble responsible and frugally. And most of all wish me luck.

On my way

I decided to go to the slot machine hang out today.  I know it is a no win situation however I really do not feel like staying home and I can't think of anything else to do right now.  I really should clean or something constructive BUT and that is a big but, I am in the mood to go out.
Stay tuned, I will post all later when I get home.  Wish me luck.

Staying away

All day I have been fighting the urge not to go to the casino! Not sure if I want to go because I do not want to clean or if I am just bored. I do know if I count on winning I usually do not. Everything in me says it is Saturday night and everyone else is there, I will not be able to get my favorite machines, then just become frustrated. So I just played games on www.facebook.com , did a little work around here and rested.  Sounds really exciting. 
Well I have another story from the gambling winning stories.
I do believe I am one of the luckiest people.  One night after work I decided to go to www.parxcasino.com of course it had to be a Thursday night, and I knew if I stayed long enough my pay check would be in the bank.  Usually my check was in the bank around 3 am, so I had some free money, and some time because I was off the next day.  For the record I hate absolutely despise being off on Friday or even Saturday. 
I had to waste some time through the night before the direct deposit went through which is not very easy in a casino when out of money.  I went and bought a cup of coffee with my free food money.   Sat and watched a group of machines which I never play, I do not know why, usually I get stuck on certain machines.  Maybe because I loose on them and I want my money back, or maybe I won a couple of times and think I will win again.  These machines were really exciting there is a big screen where a leprechaun jumps around a course and the further he gets the more it pays off.  I was for all intense purposes watching a video game on a big screen.  The the 'special' time hit and I could get some more money.
Of course I was only going to get a little since I had bills to pay ended up withdrawing most of my paycheck and was so mad at myself. I was going to have dinner with my sister later in the day and now I was out of money again...
I took my last twenty dollars and sat at what I call the bennie machine playing a quarter which usually does not pay enough to account for anything.  I started to get the bonus rounds and was just happy to be able to win some to keep playing.  Well keep playing I did.  When I am really broke and down to my last money I have a system, doesn't every gambler?  I play one coin until I get to a certain dollar amount then I go up to two coins.  I continue that, for every amount reach I bet up or down attempting to following a trend.  This night or should I say morning,  I inched my way up to playing four coins which equated to one dollar.  The machine kept paying me and I would say, OK get me to two hundred and I will quit, then OK get me to three hundred and I will quit.  Much to my amazement I won my way back up to over seven hundred dollars when I did quit and walked with about seven hundred and fifty dollars, which was more than my pay check boy was I ever happy....
I was so excited to be able to stop at the bank on the way home from there and deposit five hundred dollars into the bank.  I could go to the grocery store and buy dinner, and even had enough for the week.  Funny thing in relating this story it does not show the sheer desperation I felt when I sat at that machine with my last twenty dollars.  Does not relate the times I have lost so bad I counted penny's for coffee during the week.  Why is it we, all gamblers, only remember the winning times with such joy that we tend to block all the bad nights where we have lost so much we are physically sick? 
So that is my crazy story for tonight, I have plenty of them. This blog could go on for along time. I just hope someone is reading it, or maybe I am afraid someone who knows me will read it and know the truth.  I keep it all hidden for the most part so I hope no one knows the truth.

Who wins at the casino?

Winning, losing does not matter!  It is the thrill of the spin, waiting watching to see if the reels will line up on the correct combination.  Will it be a win? Will it be a bonus?  Or will it be the ever present nothing?
Seems as if the ever present nothing is the most hit combination on the machine.  Why does she do it?  How many times can she cover the losses?  Seems like there is always another source for the money needed to keep spinning the reels.  A wiser person once said , "you do not think those men in shiney shoes get them from winners?"  And she was correct.  The losers pay the salaries of the men with the shiney shoes.  Actually the losers pay the salary of all the casino workers.  For every loss a person suffers the casino wins, a new wing, a new bank of slots, a new table game and a remodel.  Every gambler can own at least in their mind a part of all the new things a casino has to offer. 
So why do gamblers keep gambling?  For the hope, the ever present wish of hitting it big. With every downturn of the economy the casino's get richer on the hopes and dreams of every person who gambles. 
Stay tuned in and follow the posts of a gambling girl, the excitement, disappointment, winning and losing of each casino trip.