How is it possible to not be stuck when we feel stuck, yeah all the self-help articles say 'just change' easy for them to say!!! But how?
That is where I am stuck in life right now. Feel like I can't go back, and can't move forward. STUCK!!
I know in my heart this is just a microsecond in the universal time period, to me it feels like a lifetime.
Feels like I will be here doing the same thing for the rest of my life! Struggling and struggling to get ahead and if I spend an extra ten dollars it always costs me more. So I gamble!
Nope doesn't help anything, just makes me feel worse. Not at the time but afterward! Kind of like drinking and having a bad hangover. I know it will happen, I know if I don't drink I will not have a hang over, but I would do it anyway.
Same with gambling! I know ultimately I will loose, but do it anyway. Now I need to raise five hundred dollars in a week and have no idea how to do that....
I work at my Ebay items, http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio/ and my
Etsy items https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012?ref=si_shop hoping I will sell something, but , no, I did not. I work at this blogging thing and it shows no actual benefit for anything. How people make money at it is beyond me. I know gambling is not the answer, and I know it only makes me feel worse after, but for the time I am in the casino I forget how stuck in life I am!!! I forget how hard I struggle to make ends meet. I forget how alone I feel, not lonely cause I can spend eons of time alone. I don't think about anything but the spin of the wheels on the slot machines. And it feels ok in the beginning, But!
When it is time to leave I know I have lost too much and don't know how I will ever replace it. I think about a second job, however, my full time job hours are crazy, and I am not sure anyone would work around them.
I also think part of the gambling habit is just that a habit. I like smoking and not really wanting to quit. Maybe I need to move someplace where there are no casino's. But where in the world is a place where there are no casino's within driving distances?
Showing posts with label jewelry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jewelry. Show all posts
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Gamble on.............
Hi All! It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. Yes I am still gambling, sorry to say. I have had ups and downs. Right now I am in the down side, and on vacation from my everyday job. Pretty boring, one would think. I actually have been working my line of jewelry on http://www.ebay.com/itm/121104594034
which will take you to one of the necklaces I have listed. Once there look under my name and there is a link to "seller's other items" follow that and it will show all the pieces I have for sale. Feel free to purchase any. Then on my Etsy site https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 I have eighty items listed for sale. Etsy allows payment by visa and master card which makes it easier to purchase. Ebay needs paypal.
I also have another blog which http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com there are pictures and the links under take you to the sites.
Right now I need the sales so feel free to purchase any of the items. This down side to the gambling has really hurt this time. Of course I have stories. I was desperate and right now have nothing to loose. I worked at my real job on Tuesday and do not usually work on Tuesdays. It is the day I hate working out of the entire week, I know weird but for my entire working life I have always been off on Tuesdays. So it always feels weird even now.
To go on with the story: I went to the casino and with nothing to loose I figured I could not get any worse than I was right then. I was there for a few hours and kept loosing and loosing. Of course I wrote checks to the casino so not only was I overdrawn at the bank from the last trip now I had added more which would cost me thirty-five dollars each when they hit the bank. Thank God for overdraft protection! I cashed one more and said to the cashier when I got the money, 'this is it, I am leaving after this' and I had planned on it. It was getting late and I had to go to work early the next morning.
I have certian machines which I really like and they are either hitting or they are not, usually not. Think I would know the 'usually not' is the statement there. But, no I think I can tempt fate, always with a gambling mind, think I am going to be different and it will hit for me. Yeah Right!!
There is this bank of machines they had just switched and two of my favorite machines are there. I figured what the heck! and sit at one, not wanting to leave because reality will set in and I will have to face how much I lost in the two visits. Sitting there hitting the button playing the minimum amount allowed thinking about how I was going to come up with the money to cover all the checks I wrote and the overdraft charges. I was getting tired and really upset, scared, and all the feelings going along with desperate. I decided to up the bet to two credits a spin. Still not feeling very lucky I just kept hitting the button and wishing, lost in my own thoughts. I think when I get into that zone the building around me could fall down and I would not know, almost like a trance of the machines. Sitting there looking at the machine with my legs up pressing up against the machine. For some reason I like my legs up and rest my arm on my knee while I hit the spin button. Then it happen, the three igloos, which signify a bonus, come up. I got ten free spins. I sat there watching and nothing to speak of on spins one to eight, then on spin nine I was watching and an owl came on the first reel, the four wilds, another owl, then the four wilds, and as I watched in disbelief the last reel, almost like in slow motion, the last owl dropped into place. Yeah!! I had one over six hundred dollars in that one spin. All my money from both days plus alot more. In one spin I won over six hundred! And I wonder why I gamble.......I wonder why anyone gambles. The losses are so high but the chance of the gains are just as high. Of course I cashed the ticket in. Always the safety conscious person I cashed the ticket and went into the belly of the casino again. I always walk around and play some other machines before I walk out with any large win. I am usually alone and do not like to go into the dark parking lot right after I cash a big ticket. Never know how desperate someone is and what they are driven to do. So I play it safe and walk around for awhile. I play a little and wait before I head to the door.
I am not sure if it is the thrill of the spin or the stress of the games. Is it the win or just the symbols lining up on the pay line? Yes the money won is exciting and thrilling specially after loosing and loosing for so long. But to the true gambler is it the money or the lining up of the symbols?
I will leave everyone with that thought.
Is it really the money? Or is it really the winning symbols coming up on the machine? I really do not know. Maybe it is the thought of beating the machine?
Please visit my other sites and help this poor gambler by purchasing some of my jewelry. Feel free to purchase alot and keep me busy so I stay out of the casino.
which will take you to one of the necklaces I have listed. Once there look under my name and there is a link to "seller's other items" follow that and it will show all the pieces I have for sale. Feel free to purchase any. Then on my Etsy site https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 I have eighty items listed for sale. Etsy allows payment by visa and master card which makes it easier to purchase. Ebay needs paypal.
I also have another blog which http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com there are pictures and the links under take you to the sites.
Right now I need the sales so feel free to purchase any of the items. This down side to the gambling has really hurt this time. Of course I have stories. I was desperate and right now have nothing to loose. I worked at my real job on Tuesday and do not usually work on Tuesdays. It is the day I hate working out of the entire week, I know weird but for my entire working life I have always been off on Tuesdays. So it always feels weird even now.
To go on with the story: I went to the casino and with nothing to loose I figured I could not get any worse than I was right then. I was there for a few hours and kept loosing and loosing. Of course I wrote checks to the casino so not only was I overdrawn at the bank from the last trip now I had added more which would cost me thirty-five dollars each when they hit the bank. Thank God for overdraft protection! I cashed one more and said to the cashier when I got the money, 'this is it, I am leaving after this' and I had planned on it. It was getting late and I had to go to work early the next morning.
I have certian machines which I really like and they are either hitting or they are not, usually not. Think I would know the 'usually not' is the statement there. But, no I think I can tempt fate, always with a gambling mind, think I am going to be different and it will hit for me. Yeah Right!!
There is this bank of machines they had just switched and two of my favorite machines are there. I figured what the heck! and sit at one, not wanting to leave because reality will set in and I will have to face how much I lost in the two visits. Sitting there hitting the button playing the minimum amount allowed thinking about how I was going to come up with the money to cover all the checks I wrote and the overdraft charges. I was getting tired and really upset, scared, and all the feelings going along with desperate. I decided to up the bet to two credits a spin. Still not feeling very lucky I just kept hitting the button and wishing, lost in my own thoughts. I think when I get into that zone the building around me could fall down and I would not know, almost like a trance of the machines. Sitting there looking at the machine with my legs up pressing up against the machine. For some reason I like my legs up and rest my arm on my knee while I hit the spin button. Then it happen, the three igloos, which signify a bonus, come up. I got ten free spins. I sat there watching and nothing to speak of on spins one to eight, then on spin nine I was watching and an owl came on the first reel, the four wilds, another owl, then the four wilds, and as I watched in disbelief the last reel, almost like in slow motion, the last owl dropped into place. Yeah!! I had one over six hundred dollars in that one spin. All my money from both days plus alot more. In one spin I won over six hundred! And I wonder why I gamble.......I wonder why anyone gambles. The losses are so high but the chance of the gains are just as high. Of course I cashed the ticket in. Always the safety conscious person I cashed the ticket and went into the belly of the casino again. I always walk around and play some other machines before I walk out with any large win. I am usually alone and do not like to go into the dark parking lot right after I cash a big ticket. Never know how desperate someone is and what they are driven to do. So I play it safe and walk around for awhile. I play a little and wait before I head to the door.
I am not sure if it is the thrill of the spin or the stress of the games. Is it the win or just the symbols lining up on the pay line? Yes the money won is exciting and thrilling specially after loosing and loosing for so long. But to the true gambler is it the money or the lining up of the symbols?
I will leave everyone with that thought.
Is it really the money? Or is it really the winning symbols coming up on the machine? I really do not know. Maybe it is the thought of beating the machine?
Please visit my other sites and help this poor gambler by purchasing some of my jewelry. Feel free to purchase alot and keep me busy so I stay out of the casino.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
24 Days
Yeah!!!
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
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