How is it possible to not be stuck

How is it possible to not be stuck when we feel stuck, yeah all the self-help articles say 'just change' easy for them to say!!!    But how?
That is where I am stuck in life right now.  Feel like I can't go back, and can't move forward. STUCK!!
I know in my heart this is just a microsecond in the universal time period, to me it feels like a lifetime. 
Feels like I will be here doing the same thing for the rest of my life!  Struggling and struggling to get ahead and if I spend an extra ten dollars it always costs me more.  So I gamble!
Nope doesn't help anything, just makes me feel worse. Not at the time but afterward! Kind of like drinking and having a bad hangover.  I know it will happen, I know if I don't drink I will not have a hang over, but I would do it anyway.
Same with gambling! I know ultimately I will loose, but do it anyway.  Now I need to raise five hundred dollars in a week and have no idea how to do that....
I work at my Ebay items, http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio/  and my
Etsy items https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012?ref=si_shop  hoping I will sell something, but , no, I did not.  I work at this blogging thing and it shows no actual benefit for anything.  How people make money at it is beyond me.  I know gambling is not the answer, and I know it only makes me feel worse after, but for the time I am in the casino I forget how stuck in life I am!!!  I forget how hard I struggle to make ends meet. I forget how alone I feel, not lonely cause I can spend eons of time alone.  I don't think about anything but the spin of the wheels on the slot machines. And it feels ok in the beginning, But!
When it is time to leave I know I have lost too much and don't know how I will ever replace it. I think about a second job, however, my full time job hours are crazy, and I am not sure anyone would work around them.
I also think part of the gambling habit is just that a habit. I like smoking and not really wanting to quit.  Maybe I need to move someplace where there are no casino's.  But where in the world is a place where there are no casino's within driving distances?

Gamble on.............

Hi All!  It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. Yes I am still gambling, sorry to say.  I have had ups and downs.  Right now I am in the down side, and on vacation from my everyday job.  Pretty boring, one would think.  I actually have been working my line of jewelry on http://www.ebay.com/itm/121104594034
which will take you to one of the necklaces I have listed. Once there look under my name and there is a link to "seller's other items" follow that and it will show all the pieces I have for sale. Feel free to purchase any. Then on my Etsy site https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 I have eighty items listed for sale. Etsy allows payment by visa and master card which makes it easier to purchase.  Ebay needs paypal.
I also have another blog which http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com there are pictures and the links under take you to the sites. 
Right now I need the sales so feel free to purchase any of the items. This down side to the gambling has really hurt this time. Of course I have stories.  I was desperate and right now have nothing to loose. I worked at my real job on Tuesday and do not usually work on Tuesdays.  It is the day I hate working out of the entire week, I know weird but for my entire working life I have always been off on Tuesdays. So it always feels weird even now. 
To go on with the story:  I went to the casino and with nothing to loose I figured I could not get any worse than I was right then.  I was there for a few hours and kept loosing and loosing.  Of course I wrote checks to the casino so not only was I overdrawn at the bank from the last trip now I had added more which would cost me thirty-five dollars each when they hit the bank.  Thank God for overdraft protection! I cashed one more and said to the cashier when I got the money, 'this is it, I am leaving after this' and I had planned on it. It was getting late and I had to go to work early the next morning. 
I have certian machines which I really like and they are either hitting or they are not, usually not. Think I would know the 'usually not' is the statement there.  But, no I think I can tempt fate, always with a gambling mind, think I am going to be different and it will hit for me.  Yeah Right!!
There is this bank of machines they had just switched and two of my favorite machines are there.  I figured what the heck! and sit at one, not wanting to leave because reality will set in and I will have to face how much I lost in the two visits.  Sitting there hitting the button playing the minimum amount allowed thinking about how I was going to come up with the money to cover all the checks I wrote and the overdraft charges.  I was getting tired and really upset, scared, and all the feelings going along with desperate.  I decided to up the bet to two credits a spin.  Still not feeling very lucky I just kept hitting the button and wishing, lost in my own thoughts.  I think when I get into that zone the building around me could fall down and I would not know, almost like a trance of the machines.  Sitting there looking at the machine with my legs up pressing up against the machine. For some reason I like my legs up and rest my arm on my knee while I hit the spin button.  Then it happen, the three igloos, which signify a bonus, come up. I got ten free spins.  I sat there watching and nothing to speak of on spins one to eight, then on spin nine I was watching and an owl came on the first reel, the four wilds, another owl, then the four wilds, and as I watched in disbelief the last reel, almost like in slow motion, the last owl dropped into place.  Yeah!!  I had one over six hundred dollars in that one spin.  All my money from both days plus alot more.  In one spin I won over six hundred!  And I wonder why I gamble.......I wonder why anyone gambles.  The losses are so high but the chance of the gains are just as high.  Of course I cashed the ticket in.  Always the safety conscious person I cashed the ticket and went into the belly of the casino again.  I always walk around and play some other machines before I walk out with any large win.  I am usually alone and do not like to go into the dark parking lot right after I cash a big ticket.  Never know how desperate someone is and what they are driven to do.  So I play it safe and walk around for awhile.  I play a little and wait before I head to the door.
I am not sure if it is the thrill of the spin or the stress of the games.  Is it the win or just the symbols lining up on the pay line?  Yes the money won is exciting and thrilling specially after loosing and loosing for so long.  But to the true gambler is it the money or the lining up of the symbols?
I will leave everyone with that thought.
Is it really the money?  Or is it really the winning symbols coming up on the machine?  I really do not know. Maybe it is the thought of beating the machine?
Please visit my other sites and help this poor gambler by purchasing some of my jewelry.  Feel free to purchase alot and keep me busy so I stay out of the casino. 

The counting starts all over again

Yes, I have to start the count all over again.  I broke down and went to Parx http://www.parxcasino.com/ on Thursday.  I did not actually plan on going there I really wanted to go to ACMoore http://www.acmoore.com/  down the street from the casino.  I knew they were having a great sale and since I have been selling my bracelets in my Etsy store http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 and on my eBay site, which can be accessed by following my other blog at http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I needed to create a few more bracelets.  I wanted to see if I could find some different beads.  I also knew that if I even went close to the casino I would go.  I had five dollars from them.  I told myself I would not take any money out of the bank but, a gambler knows that is impossible.  We are always chasing that big win. For anyone who wants to can follow this link to Gambler's Anonymous http://www.gamblersanonymous.org  I went to the bank once and lost that!  Surprise! Surprise! So at that point I figured as I always do when more money was needed.  I went to the bank again and was holding the money close at hand and swore to myself I would not loose it all.  I played all my favorite machines and finally hit one for one hundred dollars, not what I lost but at least part of it.  I was trying to make it out the door when one of the machines I like opened up and I know they usually hit for something.  I slid a twenty dollar bill into the machine, hit a little enough to keep playing.  I hit a bonus or two but they did not pay off, only a few coins.  Disappointing to say the least.  I then decided when the twenty dollars was gone I was going to leave.  I hoped I could keep that promise to myself however I also know how hard it is to walk out the door with money when I was so far in the hole.  I sat there and kept hitting enough to play with.  (Gambling problem follow the link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
This is a bank of four machines all the same type and I have played there before and 'we' the others at the bank always are wishing each other along. It is like being with some friends without having to answer to anyone.  We are all after the same thing.  To hit the jackpot.  We, as new found friends, for the time we are playing, are all rooting for each other.  Every time one of us hits the almost impossible three owls which signify the bonus, we wait for the exciting bubbles, coins, or whatever you want to call the little circles that flow up the screen from the bottom to 'say' there is a big payoff in the machine. 
To anyone who does not gamble or play the machines, the circles which I call bubbles, flow from the bottom of the screen as the 'music' plays alerts the player to the fact the hit was a good one.  When the music is playing and the bubbles are flowing upward we are unable to hit the button and make it go on.  The machine is in that mode for a few minutes so anyone walking around can hear and be enticed to risk their money in the hopes they will 'hit' a jackpot.  (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
 The bonus, which all of us want to hit, is free spins with a multiplier.  The object is to hit the highest pay-out with the multiplier.  My new found friends and I would get excited every time someone hit the bonus.  As each of us landed on the owls we held our breath as the spins spinned out to see if it landed on the winning combination.  As 'luck' has it each of us would land on the bonus and win only  a few coins, disappointing!  Then my new 'friend' one seat away hit the exciting combo of five owls.  Higher payout but no more spins.  With the spins she only added two hundred coins to her credit bank, which would be great if the machine was not a simple penny machine making the win two dollars.  After all of us hit bonus after bonus paying out only four hundred coins or less we started a contest to see who could hit a bonus with the lowest amount of credits.  Well, I was winning that game by far, the highest payout of the bonus I won was less than one hundred-fifty credits.  I was feeling a little beat and just like a real looser.  I was asking for just two hundred dollars.  Just give me two hundred dollars and I was out of there.  Of course I bargained with the gambling gods over and over again.  I just wanted the money I had lost.  Once I hit the two hundred dollars I promised I would be out of there immediately.  (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I was, in my mind totally serious!  I would leave.  I kept saying "let me hit the money" I promise I will just get up and walk out the door!  I said I would cash the ticket and walk right out the door!  A promise both I and the gambling gods knew to probably be untrue for different reasons.  One reason is I never, never cash in a ticket and walk out the door, because if the amount is high and I am alone and do not want to be followed.  People are desperate and as I am always alone and usually defenseless.  As a safety precaution I cash the ticket and walk around some before I walk out the door.  The other reason the gambling gods and I both knew I would not leave is because it is almost impossible once money is won the true gambler has to play more on the off chance to hit more.  To come home with extra money?  But I kept asking the powers to be for the break even money.   (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
 Then IT happen!  I gave up and started to double the cost of the spin, the strategy of that is to either loose faster or win bigger.  I had doubled the spin cost and finally hit the elusive four not three as needed, but four which makes the base win higher, rolled up on the screen.  I hit the button to start the bonus round of fifteen spins and the first spin I watched in amazement as the winning combination came up.  I looked at the amount of the win and saw three hundred dollars come up.  I was excited and knew I had won my money back and some.  I actually had won the gambling money I lost plus what I spent at the craft store.  I was really happy.  Did I leave? Of course not!   (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I stayed at that machine playing and had that ticket I cashed out in my hand as I put in some of the money I still had when I sat at the machine.  The machine was finished and I really knew it but I had to play some more. After the other money was gone I went to cash out the three hundred dollar ticket and knew I would walk around for a few more minutes.  I played a few more machines I usually liked to play, I lost almost one hundred dollars of the winnings and was almost angry with my self when I got the urge to go to another machine I really like. 
Someone was playing it so I sat next to it and played for a few minutes.  The person left and I jumped in their seat.  Finally I had my credits up to sixty dollars and the gambling gods won, I cashed the ticket in and went to the car.  When I got home I counted the money and came home with the original two hundred dollars I took out of the bank plus another eighty.  I was happy with the money, even happier I came home with it, and at the same time really upset I gave in to the demon of the gambling mecca.  
(Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
On the way home I was thinking my time had to start all over again, thirty days down the drain.  Then I reminded myself of the positive of not going for thirty days and I could do it again.  I also patted myself on the back for coming home with money and not loosing it before I left.  So now all I can do is start the count all over again... I can and will say all the time, Do Not Start to gamble if there is the slightest bit of addictive personality in you.  (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
I do plan on going to Atlantic City on Christmas eve after I get off work.  I know it will kill the time again but I right now I want to go.  I may change my mind and just stay home with my cats.  I used to like to go on New Year's Eve and be there when the clock strikes midnight, just because.  The saying about New Year's eve, 'what you are doing when the clock strikes midnight is what you will be doing all year' intrigues me.  Except of all the years I have been there I am loosing on a machine and true to form I usually loose all year.  One year I would love to be winning when the clock strikes midnight. 
 (Gambling problem follow this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org )
We will see if I actually go or I choose to stay home and win another way.... Stay tuned...................