I just have to get through tonight and it will be 30 days, thirty days without going to the casino. Some days are harder than others, Saturday was pretty bad. Saturdays there is nothing on TV and to go shopping it is too crowded with the holiday rush out there. I work with the public all week and really don't want to go out in it on my day off. I prefer week days off because everyone else is working and everything is not so crowded.
I made it through Saturday, YEAH!!! It really was pretty easy, and every day gets easier for me. I have alot more time not spending my entire day in the casino. Even when I win I still am sad about the time I spent there. I could do so much more than sit at the slot machine. Ironically, as much as I once enjoyed going and playing the slots, I now resent the time I spent there. Looking back over the past I realize how much it has destroyed everything important in my life. So much so that it became a cycle. An unhealthy one but nevertheless a cycle. I would go there and loose, which made me rationalize going again was to win back the money I lost. The cycle was over and over again every week.
Maybe just maybe I have broken the cycle in me which makes me keep going. I know I can not go there at all. Rationally I know there is a problem, but the wish full thinker in me thinks I will be lucky and win all I have lost back.
How do I win back all the relationships I have destroyed in the process? How do I win back all the lost years? I do not! All I can do is go forward and build again. I hope beyond hope I will be able to keep up this cycle of not going. I can say I enjoy coming home and writing in these blogs. I also have bracelets on eBay at http://www.ebay.com/sch/spovio/m.html?item=121033434270&ssPageName=STRK%3AMESELX%3AIT&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562 and at Etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 They keep me busy and actually give me something to do. If I am really lucky I sell a few and have extra money. So 'surf' on over to the two sites and shop a little, purchase something or just look around and leave comments on this blog about the sites.
Have a lucky day and understand gambling is not the answer to anything. Just like any addiction there is no positive end to any of it.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
24 Days
Yeah!!!
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
It has been 24 days since I went to the casino. Which is the longest time span in the past twelve years. How am I doing it? Every time I think about going I look at the time I will spend there and try to do something else I really enjoy.
One of the which is laying on the couch with my cats and watching TV, they enjoy it also. Now, they are used to having me do that they are waiting for me to turn on the TV, soon as I do they are waiting by the couch. Now even if I wanted to do anything else on the couch like read or crochet they don't let me. Funny but I really do not mind. I am just happy I did not waste my time at the casino.
Another of the things I do is make bracelets which are in another of my blogs. Follow the links to see it: suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com I have sold a few and just today I am mailing out "prayer beads" someone bought last night. I really enjoy creating them. The links on the blog are to my eBay listings and are available for purchase there. My products are also on Etsy at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 All purchases are shipped in one day and are 100% returnable (less shipping) if not completely satisfied. I am working on a beading pattern for breaking addictions, they will be something physical to hold and remember why we need to break the pattern and habit of addictions. Sounds odd but I do believe most addictions are a habit. I believe they are a habit which 'we' are able to break, just identify the trigger for the habit, and it can be broken. I think any habit is able to be changed.
For me the trigger to go to the casino is when I am upset, bored, or worried. For the most part it is not about the gambling, which is fun when I am winning, it is more about going some where alone and not feeling odd. I can go there and be around people and not talk to them if I do not want to. When I am not sure of what I wanted to do I would go there and waste the entire day, then rationalize it by saying there is no one to answer to, no one waiting for me at home. Almost like I was feeling sorry for myself! I also went when I felt hopeless and thought it would help, it did not. Sometimes I would go because I did not know what else to do. There were times I would really want to stay home and I would get dressed and go because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was expected of me.
I still want to go at times, however, now I don't want to break this 24 day streak. I think I may drive to Atlantic City and go there, I will say it is not to gamble, and in my mind I believe that. I can say I do enjoy looking at the Christmas decorations the casinos there have. Everything is bigger! Brighter!
Maybe I could go there and just look around at the lights and decorations is what I will tell myself. Of course I will look at them and feel all the Christmas spirit. I will also think back to fifteen years ago when I went there and walked away with nine thousand dollars. I will not look back and see all the times I lost all the money and felt really crappy about myself. I will not remember the total desperation I felt driving home and how was I going to make back the money I had lost! How was I going to get into the bank the money I cashed checks for. All that is remembered is the fun part the winning part, the cash in hand part not the losing part.
And that is how we can break the 'habit' of gambling remember the bad parts. Consciously pull into my mind the bad times. Rationally look at the times I felt disgusted and beat. Look at the awful times and think about how that felt. Then look at how good it will feel when I do not give into the habit, do not make that long drive to beat myself up... I can stay home and lay on the couch with my cats and then beat myself up for doing nothing! HA but that is much cheaper! I will remember how good it feels not to spend the money I do not have on a wish. I will stay home and create new and better bracelets.
I can do this! I will do this! and I will make more money selling my bracelets than winning at the casino in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I will make enough to go to Las Vegas in April to celebrate my mom's birthday.
That is all for now. Stay tuned and see if I can continue the streak........
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